Thursday, 20 July 2017

A Place for My Head

I'm aware I haven't blogged in a while but I feel like if there's ever a time to, it's right now.

You see, today I learned of the death (suicide by hanging) of my favourite vocalist, Chester Bennington. Now I know you want to come at me with all that "Linkin Park are lame, they're emo" and whatever else you have, but I'm asked you to leave it at the front door for now. They're a band I grew up with, the first CD I ever bought, and before that, a band my brother put on a little tape for me to play in my pink Barbie tape player. I played that tape (Hybrid Theory) to death. As I got older, I stuck with them, I went to see them live nearly 10 years ago and it's up there as one of my favourite concerts. In my darkest moments, contemplating suicide, there are songs I listen to that help me to stay here. While some of you may not understand, I feel utterly devastated by the loss of Chester. Furthermore, it's stirred something inside me.

I'm going to be 26 next week. I started feeling the real brunt of the depression around the age of 14-15. For many years in my head it was always a matter of when/how when it comes to suicide. The idea was inevitable. I never thought I could escape that mindset but for a year or two there I came very close. I was thinking about how I can live on, how I can conquer this depression, this anxiety, and live a relatively "normal" life someday.

I think the death of one of my idols by suicide has really affected that view. He got to 41 and still couldn't beat it. It's not something that goes away. It's not something you can move on from. It really is a matter of when/how.

I do want to point out my medication has changed now. The propranolol is out and clonazepam is in. The clonazepam is working in my favour and preventing me from overdosing on some codeine as would usually be the case when I'm feeling like dirt. Overall, my medication seems to be working well right now.

I have been self harming again. I mean properly cutting now. I last inflicted a burn at the end of last year but have cut several times since then. I even inflicted a deep one on my arm that I'm doing my best to keep open. Don't ask me why. All I can say is the self harm is becoming frequent again. Frequent and deep.

There's not particularly much else I can update you on. I was discharged from the mental health team a couple years ago and I'm not seeing any counsellors or going to any groups. I spend my time with my parents and leave the house once a week to go and get my medications (also spending time with my boyfriend at times).

Welcome to the mental health service in 2017, where someone can be cutting down through adipose tissue but still not be considered a priority or even worthy of seeing someone.