Thursday, 6 June 2013

Drawing a Blank/Bloodthirst

Well, it's been quite a while since I've last posted here - long enough for most to think I had abandoned this blog. Not to worry, I've been well aware of this and the thought of posting has been on my mind for quite a while.

I've found it honestly quite difficult to think of what to say or how to process feelings from my head to keyboard. The majority of the time (as I've no doubt mentioned) my mind hits a blank when it comes to writing about how I've been feeling or what I've been thinking about. I can only put this down to the drugs I take each day - mainly the sertraline I would imagine - that numb the bad and in doing so numb everything else away as well. I don't actively think about much any more. I used to go outside and analyse what I saw - from the sky right down to what's at my feet. Everything was filtered through my mind. I'm not sure why this happened, all I know is it doesn't happen any more. I suppose that was due to an over-active mind that worked in combination with a lack of self esteem and depressive feelings - not too great a combination to be honest. The sertraline is my first antidepressant to successfully stem this. No longer do I step outside and think of all the birds around me and process what they may be doing - instead I am deafened by the sound of them and think nothing more of it.

I digress. I have been unable to write here much to my dismay and unable to maintain any kind of creative output anywhere. It's frustrating but at this point when my life is down to eating, sleeping and playing World of Warcraft, unless I'm taken out of my comfortable surroundings, I have no reason to output creatively. Occasionally, my mind goes overboard again with thoughts and feelings which there are no escape from. Over the past few years however, as I am over 18, this has been dealt with relatively easily with drugging myself back into numbness. It was difficult when I was at school, mainly because if you take some pills during break time at school and go back to class, someone will notice when you're derping out over your desk. The physical work of even getting around school also is affected. (I recall vividly going in for school photos and having to stand about for an hour or so while still heavily under the influence from what I had taken the night before. How I managed I do not know but my parents have that picture on display in the living room in all my jaundiced glory).

The issue of medication is bigger now. As well as the two drugs I was prescribed over the past few years that have no sign of letting up, I'm now on a third. I say third, what I really mean is third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth due to the amount I'm having to take each day. Being on 8 pills a day (plus my OTC sleeping aid) is a jarring thought for anyone. The six I have to take are for neuralgia so they're for a physical problem (yay!) that still can't be seen (boo!) I feel quite self-conscious about having medical problems that can't be seen - they're so much more difficult to explain to people. Even the self-harm scars, while off-putting, could be from anything when spied by a stranger in the street.

Again I have gone off the subject of why I started to write this in the first place. As well as my blanked out mind, I'm feeling very opposed to the viewing of things I used to enjoy. Let me explain:

Anyone who knows me well will know I have always enjoyed watching gore films. Not particularly horror films, just gore films. I have in the past not cared too much for a story line as long as there's enough blood and body parts and said blood and body parts are either a. realistic enough or b. so fake looking they're funny. I've been excited year upon year at Halloween for a new Saw film cause I adore the Saw series. I have more DVDs with a dripping red font on black covers than I can count. Even when it came to IRL bloody videos, I'm all for it. Or I used to be.

When I would watch these videos online or watch these films I gained a real bloodthirst. Obviously, one cannot go out and stab someone at their whim so I got blood in other ways... being a self harmer helped. I think the two fed into each other. Watch a video, cut. Feel like cutting, watch a video. They became associated with each other (though not always.) As my self harming waned - don't ask me how that happened - and happened less often, I felt uncomfortable watching anything with blood. Unless the blood was ridiculously fake looking or happening in a ridiculously fake scene, it made me feel nauseous. Nauseous, nervous and anxious. This isn't just blood; cuts or severe wounds have the same effect. I look at them and a part of me wants to go and recreate a wound on myself cause it would feel so good after all or I would need to release some blood out of me. The rest of me knows I can't and tries to prevent it (shaking, going for the pill bottle, asking politely for whatever is on to be turned over or just leaving the room.) My boyfriend, if he detects a scene where the film maker is trying to be -edgy by throwing in a little self harm, will warn me so I don't have to see. This is completely different to how I was just a few years ago; laughing gleefully as someone's arm is viciously hacked off with the blood going everywhere.

While I'm aware it is not considered normal to be excited at the sight of blood, I'm also aware it is not normal to recoil at it either. I figure at some point when everything is under control in terms of how I deal with my mood, I will be able to cope with these things within reason, as any other person would. Right now I think it's too much for me when I am trying to stop doing something altogether (or find a satisfying and safe replacement for) to be expected to deal with such things. I hate to use the term "triggering" but they're called that for a reason. Maybe some day again I can watch Martyrs and not feel psychologically affected.