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Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Progress

I've been attending a lot of course recently. The idea is to "get me out and about" and integrating with people again. I think I've been doing alright. I've been to a course on self esteem, a course on fighting depression and most recently a 2 day wellness recovery action plan (WRAP) course. I would say at this point I'm much more qualified in dealing with my low mood and self harming.

Of course, now that I'm at a point where I'm feeling much more confident and content with life, I find it difficult to rediscover who I am below this illness I've been fighting for over 10 years. It seems to have defined every part of my life. I'm wondering about what kind of career I want now because I gave up a long time ago on anything I wanted to do thinking I would never be able to achieve what I need to thanks to this. All my ambitions have been wiped away and I'm lost.

There is always a fear in the back of my mind that this level headedness, this content life I'm living is just temporary. In a month or two something will crack me and I'll be crying and cutting and wanting to die all over again. All it takes is one thing at the right time and I'm gone.

I guess all I can do is work on myself and work on my coping mechanisms so that if it comes to the point where it's make or break, I know what to do. I've been drawing, I've been writing (I still need to write out my WRAP), I've been gaming and doing whatever I need to distract. It's finding out what works best and remembering it when I need it.

I've self harmed once in the last 3 weeks or so. Obviously I'm disappointed but the fact that it's become less and less common for me is something I'm proud of. Mind you, the cut was bad enough that I thought I cut off my own hand for a split second. All is fine and healed now.

Drug use has ground to a halt. The only medicines I'm taking are those prescribed and the occasional ibuprofen for foot pain. I can't remember when I last took any codeine but I don't want to know and I don't want to touch the stuff again. Well, that's a lie. It's great. I love it. That's why I'm not allowing myself to have it any more. An easy fix that fixes nothing.

I do have an appointment with the psychiatrist in a little while about my medication. I'm hoping to get some at least changed. My last day of counselling was today and my counsellor says my progress in the past 4 months alone is amazing. Apparently my mental health nurse agrees.

I'm just hoping the progress continues and I'm hoping maybe at some point I can get off some of the medication I'm on.