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Sunday, 26 October 2014

medilife

These days things aren't so bad. I last cut just over 3 weeks ago.

My focus recently has been on my physical health above all else. I've been using the exercise bike downstairs (almost to excess at times) and going for long walks with the dog.

I find I prefer the exercise bike. I can burn many more kcal in much less time when compared to walking the dog. Of course, the focus when I exercise is on my weight. In all honesty, I was told to diet and exercise to lower my cholesterol (it's on the high side of okay) but I do like taking things to extremes. When given the opportunity to focus on my weight, I'll take it and - quite literally - run with it. The whole thing is giving me a decent reason to actually change something I hate most about myself: my appearance.

I don't have the same worries when walking down the street now as I did as a teenager. Back then I worried about people thinking I was a weirdo; now I worry about people thinking "look at how fat she is" when they look at me. I feel at this point my whole self worth is based upon my looks. I could be the smartest, funniest, most interesting, fun woman in the world and I'd still think I'm worthless because of my physical appearance.

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Above is a post I was working on a few months ago and decided not to post. Things have since changed quite a bit...