Today I turned 21. It was a nice day... not perfect, but nice. Better than a lot of birthdays I've had in recent years. And yet, here I am at 2:30am crying and talking frantically to my S/O, who I figure I should let go to bed and instead vent on here for a bit.
So why am I crying? I don't know. No, really, I have no idea. Nothing has happened to "trigger" any kind of sadness or tears from me. It just happens. I've been good with it for a while: I figure the antidepressants help out and make life manageable. Before I went on any pills though, this was constant. Crying for no apparent reason or crying over tiny things that no-one would "normally" get upset over. Recently I've found myself crying a lot with no explanation behind it. Of course, by the time I start crying I'm already too far gone to even remember if anything did happen to cause it; I'm a wreck.
Such is the nature of my condition that this happens to me. Most of the time these days I have no active thoughts or feelings in my mind, just blankness. Every now and then I would feel this way and just start crying, become very uneasy in myself and want out. I find myself wondering: why does no-one believe me when I tell them about this? Is it that difficult to believe that someone would just cry without anything particular happening to start it? Or do they just not understand why and so decide not to address it?
I'm aware clinical depression is one of those things that is still not *fully* understood. I wonder if this is one of those things; how you can give a girl over 5 years of SSRIs and counselling and she still finds herself in this position. I wonder if I'm just a lost cause at this point and have to find a way of just... managing these feelings while accepting they will never go away. How can someone even begin to accept they will have to live with something like this? Something that just creeps up on you when you don't expect it? This unbearable feeling that can only be pushed down by indulging in some kind of activity (drugs, self harm) to physically sedate you? Is this why so many people with depression eventually kill themselves?
Any attempts I have previously made on my life have been due to external factors making me feel quite actively unable to cope. "Oh I'm a crappy person, I guess I should just end it." This, this is something else entirely. This is a case of wanting something to go away so badly and at the same time realising it will probably never go away: you'll have to deal with this for the rest of your life - however long that may be - and being very doubtful about whether you can or if it's even worth it.